human nature and choices
Posted by Mel Francis on 12 Mar 2008 | Tagged as: Chit Chat, Craft, Publishing, Writing Life
Publishing is a relatively small world, especially in the confines of RWA. Even though there are upwards to 9000 members in our community, chances are you “know” many of the membership, whether it be through the online world of the RWA yahoo groups, online chapters, or live chapters. Most of the active members have “met” one way or another.
The sense of community we have is very strong, but like with any close-knit family, our closeness can also be our weakness.
We’re only human, after-all.
We’re not only human, most of us in RWA are also women.
Women are funny creatures. I’ve had (almost) 39 years to study them, me being a woman and all. On the whole, we are fiercely loyal, hardworking, supportive, and creative. I wish I could stop with our positive traits. I do. Because our positive traits are what make us such good mothers, wives, friends and employees.
Unfortunately, being human and all, we women also have a set of negative traits we carry around. Most times, we keep them buried because they directly interfere with the very things that make us so awesome.
Sometimes we have no choice but to be ugly. It’s a part of who we are. Something important in our life is threatened and Katie bar the door, we come out bearing our claws and fangs. We do what we have to do to make things right for those we love.
But in our little family of writers, I’ve noticed another kind of ugliness. Not the kind that comes out when someone you love is threatened, but the kind that rears its head for no reason other than pettiness. Ugliness. Bitterness.
Some people (mostly women, though I have heard a few things from some men in the industry as well) will badmouth anyone, whether they know them or not. It makes them feel better about their own mediocrity to bag on the successes of others—who happen to be mostly women. Funny that.
In a community built for women, by women, I am constantly surprised at the sniping and backbiting that goes on here. Are we adults? Because after some of the things I’ve heard, I have to wonder.
Publishing is constantly changing and you either change with it, or fade away. Nobody is successful because of pure luck. Sure, luck has something to do with it, but their success was built on the back hard work. They write, sweat, toil, and bleed over their manuscripts. Oftentimes they sign with their perfect agent who works, sweats, toils and bleeds over the negotiations. As a new writer, we want to take the first offer given. We have to leave it in the hands of our agent who work hard at getting us the best deal possible.
I’m almost amused by the whisperings I hear. Instead of genuine happiness, you hear things like “I bet that was a small deal. Probably just the basic. No negotiation there. She’s wasting commission with that agent.” Or “She’ll never sell through that advance.” So, damned if we do, damned if we don’t?
It’s hard work. All around. And in this world, the only way to succeed is to continue working hard. Badmouthing others might serve as temporary lidocaine to the bitterness in your gut, but it certainly won’t get that book written. Or more money in your pocket. Or make you happy with your career or lack thereof. And it won’t make those who are happy and successful any less so.
I guess all in all, this post boils down to choice. We’ve all had these feelings; it’s how we choose to act on those feelings that matters.
“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.” Willie Nelson
This is no different from any other type of business. You’ll always encounter this kind of attitude whether you’re a writer or an electrician. The trick is to stay focused on what you’re doing, believe in your work and don’t worry about what other people are doing (or saying). That may seem like a self-centered attitude, but it’s the only way to stay productive. Otherwise, you’ll probably end up quitting.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:08 amVery well articulated thoughts on something that I often find distressing about life in general, and the romance industry in particular. Certainly, every industry has its share of haters, but as the movie Mean Girls so aptly pointed out, there’s something especially upsetting about girl on girl crime. This post is a good reminder to guard against the temptation to snark.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:11 amWell put, Mel!
It truly takes a writer to understand what another writer deals with on a daily basis. So it only makes sense that this community should put its energies into supporting one another rather than petty back-biting.
Besides, the back you’re biting today could very well be the back you need for support tomorrow!!!
Or…as my momma used to say — if you can’t say something nice, you best not say anything at all!!!
~ Melissa
March 12th, 2008 at 6:40 amGreat post. And so true. I think we’ve all been guilty of this alittle bit at some time or another, but you’re right that it boils down to choice.
Life may give us a situation we can’t control, but we can control how we react to it. That’s what we need to work on.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:07 amSo very true. It used to be why I never had any friends that were girls. I admit to being a little jealous when someone else gets that perfect deal but I don’t downplay it to make myself feel better. (I just pray a lot that it will happen to me next, LOL)
March 12th, 2008 at 7:12 amGreat post Mel. Well said. Putting others down does nothing and I truly believe in karma and hard work. You get back what you put out. We should be here to support and uplift one another.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:14 amwow! I run to take the kids to school and come back to a comment-palooza!
Thanks for the support guys. This is something that has been on my mind for a long time now. I just haven’t been able to put it in words that make sense before this week, I guess.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:19 amGreat post, Mel.
It seems like this is often the case in any area in life. I hate how people feel they can get away with being complete jerks by saying “oh, it’s just snark.” I don’t care what anyone calls it, it’s rude. And mean.
What kind of legacy are we going to leave at the end of the day? What kind of legacy will we teach to our children? What will people say about us when we’re gone? That we were a big ol beeotch? Take the snotty thing you posted on a bulletin board or are thinking of saying and say it in a mirror. Don’t you look petty? Rediculous? Is it really so satisfying to be petty and judgemental? It’s not want I want to teach my kid at the end of the day and even tho Tina Fey said “Bitch is the new Black” I personally don’t care how “cool or in” it is to be a jerk. I’m wearing navy!
I’ve always believed that people who engage in this simply feel so horrible about themselves and their own failures and inadequecies that they must pull e/o down with them.
Again, great post, sorry I went off there!
March 12th, 2008 at 9:20 amRock on, Mel. I feel the same way.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:23 amYes-I always think we females get enough bashing from men to start in on each other.
Nothing wrong with feeling a twinge of envy when some other writer gets what you think should be yours, but don’t go around telling everyone that-it’s self-destructive.
There are always going to be writers who sell their first book, hook their dream agent and get a million bucks for their first advance, but hating them is such a waste of your energy and so corrosive to your own creative instincts. Use the emotion in your next book and sell it-that’s a much better way of being constructive
March 12th, 2008 at 10:16 amMel, that was fantastic post. Really well put.
March 12th, 2008 at 12:19 pmI think to survive in this business you have to surround yourself with positive people (part of the reason I love you so much!). Negative people and negativity is a straight downer. I’m always amazed at the “writers” who love to put others down, yet have never even finished a manuscript, let alone put themselves out there by submitting. Great post, Mel!
March 12th, 2008 at 2:05 pmWonderfully said!!
March 12th, 2008 at 2:13 pmI just posted a long, rambling reaction over on our TKA blog, but just wanted to say this much over here–it’s sad that when a group of women come together, their most defining quality is their negativity and pettiness. Is that the face we want to show the world? With as hard as our mothers and their mothers worked to get us the vote, to get us the right to work outside the home, etc? That when you put us together in a mass group, our natural inclination is to tear each other down? To talk behind one another’s backs and whisper curses?
Mel, thank you, thank you. To quote Jerry Maguire (but without the fakeness): “Finally! Somebody said it!”
March 12th, 2008 at 5:01 pmLOVE YOU
Thanks again, you guys.
Like I said earlier, this has been on my mind for a while. And I’m not saying it’s not okay to have a twinge of jealousy or envious feelings. Those things are legitimate and you wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t experience those things every once in a while. But to act on those feelings means one of two things: 1/ you weren’t really friends with the person you’re sniping about 2/you really need to look within and figure out why you’re so insecure.
Thanks again for all the comments and the private messages/emails of support. They’ve meant a lot to me.
March 12th, 2008 at 5:12 pmI agree with all you said here, Mel. And I think you hit it head on again in your last comment. It’s insecurity. Women often size up the ‘competition’. It’s the successful ones, the gorgeous ones, etc., who garner the most contempt. Sad but true. So, sad as it is, the petty backstabbing where publication is concerned comes as no surprise. Maybe just calling attention to it as you did here will clean up at least a little bit of the mess our ‘fairer’ sex creates.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:15 pm~Debbie
I also posted a long rambling post over at TKA, so I’m just going to say, “Rock on, sister!”
Chessie
March 13th, 2008 at 3:21 pmJust can’t help but add my 2 cents. When someone I know reports they’ve made a sale or have a contract etc. certainly there is part of me that says “I want that.” Of course I do, otherwise I wouldn’t spend so much time, agony, work, sweat trying to write. However the wanting of what others have is not the negative, it is wanting to take it away from them or feeling they don’t deserve it over you. Those negative feelings will do nothing but destroy you and you’ll never get anywhere. IMO. Someone here already said it is Karma. I totally believe in Karma, and you must put out the positive in order to be able to receive the positive. I added nothing new to the topic but I feel good for having written my opinion.
Ree
March 14th, 2008 at 12:12 pmAs usual, Mel, you put it perfectly.
March 14th, 2008 at 4:36 pmWell done Mel. Well done.
Jealousy, like all other emotions exists inside each of us. It’s how we deal with those emotions that define character.
At the end of our lives we’ll be remembered not only for the words we leave behind in our books. We’ll be remembered for how we treated others and whether we were kind.
March 18th, 2008 at 11:57 am