True Love
I volunteered to be a homeroom mother for my son’s kindergarten class this year and I’m in charge of planning the Valentine’s Day party. In addition to buying cards for his entire class, my son wants to buy something special for his girlfriend. Yep, his girlfriend, in kindergarten, and he’s already learned the way to a girl’s heart is through gifts.
Or is it?
My husband routinely forgets our anniversary and he believes Valentine’s Day was created by Hallmark. He thinks cards and flowers are a waste of money and says no restaurant can touch my cooking, so romantic dinners are out. The last piece of jewelry he bought me was my wedding ring.
According to romance novels, he’d be a loser but I would have to disagree. When I got sick, he took over cleaning the house. If he doesn’t work on Saturday, he gets up with the kids and lets me sleep late, even if he’s just come off nights and has only had four hours of sleep himself. He rubs my feet every night when we sit on the couch and not only rents romantic comedies for me to watch but sits beside me and watches them without complaining.
He’s doesn’t confess his undying love daily but when he stares at me with that special look in his eye, I know I’m cherished. The little things he does day in and day out mean more than the big romantic gestures heroes are known for in our stories. He’d flunk out as an alpha hero but he makes the grade as a husband.
What’s the point of this blog? I wonder if we’re setting unrealistic expectations for men. The only man I ever dated who bought me expensive gifts, took me out for romantic dinners and swept me away on faraway vacations I ended up getting a restraining order against. Real men are more likely to order takeout from the closest steakhouse, buy the most expensive, but ugliest, piece of jewelry in the store and spend a fortune on hothouse roses that have no smell or appeal.
When we compare the men in our lives to the characters in the books, our real life loves are bound to come up short. Of course, fiction is about fantasy but do we really believe there are men out there who act like our heroes?
I’m a romance writer and long-time reader and proud of it but I sometimes wonder if the stories we write end up making our readers long for something or someone they’ll never find and maybe even make them unsatisfied with the person they’ve chosen. Maybe I’m wrong. What’s your opinion?
Ooh, this is an interesting topic. First I would say your husband sounds very romantic…maybe it is just in an untradtional way. To me romance isn’t about the huge or expensive gesture but it is more about doing or giving the thing that means something special to your partner. For instance your husband rubbing your feet sounds fantastic to me and I’m sure you get a lot of plesure from that. Some men wouldn’t do that for anything! To me, the things a man does on a regular basis speaks more of love and caring than the grand gesture made once or twice a year.
Now the idea that the romances we write sets people up for unrealistic expectations doesn’t hold weight for me. I’ve read romance since I was a teen and I never compared a date or my husband to any character in a book. My hubby has his own way of showing romance, just as yours does. Just because they are different doesn’t mean one is better and or worse than any other. The bottom line is how a man treats a woman on a day in/out basis. In mho.
Great topic!
Ree
Yes, you’re wrong but in a good way. I’ve read several novels (probably more than I can count) that gets it’s not about the material things. They show the hero with flaws, but who is also considerate and kind. Yeah, not all men have a six pack (more like a keg of beer), but if that’s one of the woman’s requirements along with all the other qualities that makes a man a good man then she’s going to be waiting a whhiiillleee.
So I don’t think as writer’s we are setting up the reader or even showing them something that doesn’t exist. To me I don’t think most romance novels are written by woman who longs to have a man like the perfect ones in a romance novel, but because they have a man who can put a romance hero to shame.
If he doesn’t work on Saturday, he gets up with the kids and lets me sleep late, even if he’s just come off nights and has only had four hours of sleep himself.
I rest my case.
It’s not the grand gesture that gets me but the knowing he was thinking of me and made a point to let me know it. Of course, not in an obsessive, Fatal Attraction kind of way or anything. Just something that at the end of the day, I know I’m who he wants to come home to and spend time with.
As for the romance novels, like Melissa Blue was saying, they show men with flaws but are kind and considerate. At the end of the day (or the end of the novel) the heroine never doubts that the hero picked her and wants to be with her. If that’s too unrealistic to be believable, well, I’m good with living with the fantasy.
As always, good topic Kim.