The HEA Cafe

What Not To Do…

 Below is one of the first queries I wrote.  To be honest, I did go back and make it a touch worse than when I sent it out, but not by much!

 

Kim Amburn

My house

my email@server.com

 

Defunct Harlequin Line

233 Broadway, Suite 1001

New York, NY 10279

 

Dear Editor,

 

Have you ever wondered what happened to the one who got away?

 

In Second Chances Lori Davis finds out that not only is the bank where she works a target for serial bank robbers but that the corporate offices hired the security firm owned by her first love, Grayson Taylor.  Since the thieves hold the family of the branch manager hostage while the banker is forced to clean out the vault, Lori must find a way to protect both her daughter and her heart.

 

I am a member of RWA and a graduate of Clemson University.  I’ve attached the synopsis and first three chapters.    Thank you for your consideration.  I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Sincerely,

 

 

Kim Amburn

 

 

Attachments:

SASE

Synopsis

First three chapters

 

So what’s wrong with it?  To start with, always do your homework.  Don’t address the query to Dear Editor.  Learn who is acquiring for which line (or what agent represents the genre/subgenre you write). 

 In the first paragraph (not counting the line that was supposed to tweak the editor’s attention and probably failed miserably), I should have added the word count and subgenre.  How would the editor know if this manuscript would even fit in her line?  It could be too long or too short - it could be a short story, for all she knows.  Is this a comedy or romantic suspense?  The harder you make it on the editor/agent to figure out what you’re trying to sell, the easier it is for her to pass on the query letter.

Where’s the second paragraph?  Instead I had one insignificant line to try and explain a 75,000 word manuscript.  Query letters are short, true, but you do have room to write a two to three sentence paragraph that summarizes your book.  I hardly know what the books about from that one sentence and I wrote the darn thing!  Deb Dixon’s book, GMC:  Goal, Motivation, and Conflict is great for this paragraph.  You can write up the GMC for the hero and heroine and have the heart of the book laid out for anyone to understand.

 The third paragraph isn’t too bad, although since I wasn’t an English major, who really cares where I went to school?  The main thing here is to thank them for their time and ask for what you want.  ‘I look forward to hearing from you.’  Also, make sure that you only give them what they ask for - don’t include a synopsis and three chapters if their website specifies query letters only.  Again, do your research.  Don’t make it any harder on yourself or them than it has to be.

 I hope this online workshop has helped.  I apologize for the delays in posting.  If you have any questions, please let me know.  Thanks!